In the Rearview
by Gabanti
Summary: When Kevin left Ben didn't know what to do with his life, but only after Kevin's return does he understand what to do. Closure isn't such a bad thing, maybe you should try it. Based on a song called In The Rearview not a songfic


There Ben stood face to face with the devil that haunted his past for so long. Words unspoken whirled around his mind; Kevin was supposed to be gone for good. He promised never to come back, never to return to Bellwood and never to speak to Ben again. Yet there he stood looking into the toxic green eyes he had yearned so long to see. He left on a whirlwind leaving everyone in the dark about his problem, even Ben didn't understand why Kevin left. All he could really understand was that Kevin discarded them like trash; he used them and then left them like any ex-con would. Gwen was stupid for ever trusting him, and that was only the tip of the iceberg.

A frown played along Ben's lips; he was more than unenthusiastic about the meeting. From behind him, Gwen broke out into a fit of smiles and ran towards the older boy. His smile was fake; Ben knew that he had practiced watching that face for so long he knew every fake smile and every real smile to cross those lips. His eyes locked with dark orbs that looked sad from years of being apart, all the feelings they had were supposed to be forgotten. They weren't supposed to flood Ben with emotions, and the yearning to embrace Kevin. He felt sick with himself he used all these years to trick to himself that Kevin left because he wanted to, it was what got him through.

"Ben?" Gwen smiled pulling him over to her, far too close to Kevin. "Kevin decided to come back, isn't this great? It's been a few years haven't it." She laughed and twirled, allowing her long read locks to flow with the wind. A feeling of nausea gripped Ben's stomach as he merely nodded. Kevin's eyes never once left Ben's face.

Kevin smiled slightly, another fake smile, Ben noted. Could he ever smile a true smile? Ben couldn't remember if there ever was a time. He only remembered the insecurities Kevin had given him. "Ben, I know it's been a while but you know maybe we could still hang out." That slight shrug told Ben that Kevin couldn't give a damn if he said yes or not.

He turned his back on everything then decided to come running back. It was all too much for Ben to handle, everything ended so abruptly when Kevin left now he's returned the same way and expects the pieces to just fit back together like a jigsaw puzzle. "Whatever." Ben kept his features stiff; not wanting to give away his true feelings. Inside his mind everything was going to hell: his senses on fire, mind reeling with what was once forgotten.

All the memories of before flooded Ben's mind: the late night rendezvous', all the laughs shared together, the missions they had. Everything crashed over him making him relive every torturous moment and it was all because Kevin returned. Ben felt as though he were drowning in those fake emotions and all the lies. Kevin once said those three little words; if Ben heard them now he'd brush the person off like they were nothing.

"Ben?" Gwen's voice broke the surface, saving him from drowning in the darkness of those memories. Anyone could have done, anyone but the culprit.

"I'm fine." He whispered barely inaudible. Had his life finally come to a point where the skeletons in his closet came back to haunt him? He had locked them so far away from the light yet here they were staring him in the face, all the skeletons he hid away taking shape of the man he never wanted to see again.

"One second Kevin, please I need to talk to him alone." Gwen pressed her hand to his shoulders; he heard her voice so clearly. Worry dripped from every syllable even her eyes held worry. "Ben are you alright?"

That's right, Gwen never knew about him and Kevin. Why would she want to know, while Ben and Kevin were off doing whatever she was thinking about her and Kevin's future. It hurt to know they had lied so easily to the poor girl; never once telling her they were together. Gwen had a way of understanding things, and it was silly of Ben to never trust her. Kevin said in good time they would tell her, but that never happened. "I'm fine, I just want to go home."

"I'll take you home." Kevin spoke up from behind taking a few steps forward.

Ben and Gwen turned to face him, they stared at him for a fleeting second. Then Gwen began making a slicing motion across her neck, signaling Kevin not to mention anything about them going anywhere. Something was wrong with Ben and she knew it had something to with Kevin's return.

"It's ok Kevin, I'll take him. You stay here and um…." Gwen paused thinking of something for him to do. "clean your car." She smiled nervously and pushed Ben.

"No it's fine Gwen." Ben knew it wouldn't be fine, he lied for time's sake. "C'mon Kevin." The green Camaro that he knew so well, was still the same as before. The seats still smelled like summer nights on the road just the two of them. All those secret feelings whispered in the front seat just below the low whispering of the radio playing their favorite song. A song that soon came to be one Ben hated most. The atmosphere was the same as before, it held in it the truth of their lies.

Kevin closed the driver door, snapping Ben from his thoughts. The car started with a low rumble and the journey to Ben's home commenced in silence. A familiar tune started playing, the radio was turned down low and Ben cringed when the voice began to sing. He wasn't ready to face this now; the song was too familiar to forget. He moved a hand to turn it off, but Kevin stopped him.

"Ben, are you going to tell me what's wrong?" Kevin watched the road intently as he drove.

"Nothing." Lies came more fluidly if he avoided eye contact with the person he was lying to. Pulling his hand back, Ben placed it on his lap.

"It's not nothing Ben, I know you Better than that." Kevin pulled over onto the side of the road. "Tell me, you used to tell me everything."

Ben was surprised that Kevin cared enough to stop the car. He looked at the face he wanted to press light kisses against. Anger welled up, he had fooled himself for so long thinking it was all his fault. Ben was never at fault; he knew that lying was the best way to cope but he was tired of lying. He wanted to give Kevin a piece of his mind, and before he knew it he was.

"Before you left me!" Ben screamed. He shut his eyes, the memories flickering behind his closed eyelids. Things he wanted so badly to forget, to never let haunt his dreams again. "You just left Kevin."

"Ben I did what I had to do." Kevin watched as Ben broke down before him; once he thought of Ben as strong and independent now he understood how fragile Ben really was.

Ben's hands found his ears where he cupped them around to block out sound. "I promised myself I would forget you. Why did you come back now, after all these years why now?" He pleaded, his eyes shot open. The memories stopped, he was going insane reliving everything.

He could see Kevin packing to leave, his eyes were wide open but his mind was closed. He was lost in a labyrinth of love, lust, and hatred.

"Don't leave me," he muttered. "don't leave me Kevin. Don't choose to go back to that life." tears ran down his cheeks, Kevin sat in shock not knowing what to say. "Don't go back to your old ways, I can't follow you down that road. Most of all don't leave me." his hands gripped at Kevin's jacket as the memory switched.

"Ben?" Kevin was at a loss of words. "Ben, please I was confused then I didn't know what to do. I left for the sake of you and Gwen." He patted the head he missed so much. "Please don't be like this."

"Kevin," a strained voice said. "I waited for months, I cried my eyes out when no one was around. I faked smiles and I faked not being hurt. I learned that from you, I bet you never noticed that I could tell when you would genuinely smile." His eyes closed Ben just let the memories fade, closure felt nice. Years of waiting and hoping had ended. He was finished lying to himself and for once his heart felt light and not weighted.

"I can't explain why I left." Kevin admitted.

"I didn't expect you to." Ben smiled once more, that fake ill-hearted smile that seemed so full of life. "You coming back brought the skeletons from my closet. I'm tired of hiding them." He released a sigh of relief. "Closure isn't so bad Kevin, is that why you came back? Too bad for you that I'm over and done with you." He sat up and looked Kevin straight in the eyes. "I'd rather die than admit that I don't know what to do without you."

He was strong, he knew exactly the right words to say and the right lies to tell. He would break down at home, save the tears for a later date. Truth was Ben couldn't live without Kevin, but he took a road the Ben could never follow him down, and knowing Kevin, he would rather be alone than admit he was wrong. Ben realized that in being love, if you love something it's best to let it go. He'd look at it in the rearview and hope his skeletons stayed hidden for good.

"Ben please wait." Kevin yelled after him. Ben knew not to turn around he just waved goodbye without ever showing Kevin the tears in his eyes.


End file.
